Which will it be?

As a mother of six beautiful children (ages ranging between 7-17), when things happen in their lives it is so easy for my thoughts to begin to go into worry overload. What's ironic about it is that I never worry about things until they make a bad choice that goes against everything I've instilled in them.  With that said lets talk about my Saturday night. On Saturday night, the day before week 7 of "A Confident Heart" chapter 9 OBS (on line bible study) began I find out my 14 year old son made a bad choice. He said some very inappropriate things to a girl that put me in a state of worry. My first initial thought was, " that boy is sooooo lucky he isn't here", he was sleeping over a friend's house that night. The thoughts that followed looked and sounded a little like this

Bitstrips Comic...

ü  What if this is a generational curse that's being passed on to him.

ü  What if he continues to speak this way and it turns into some inappropriate behaviors.

ü  What if he doesn't trust God with his choices.

ü  What didn't I teach him?

ü  Where did I go wrong?

ü  Should I have gone to work after 16 years of being a stay at home mom.

ü  Maybe I should just quit my job and be available/ present every moment.

The worrisome thoughts were endless. I can honestly say I felt like this picture looks. That night I cried myself to sleep venting with God and telling God how angry, disappointed, hurt and worried I was about the choice that my son Fredo made. I questioned myself as a mom a million times that night, then again Sunday morning. It was so much easier to levitate towards those negative thoughts. I can literally feel the battle between God trying to speak peace to my heart and all of those negative thoughts brewing in my mind. I quickly turned on worship music as I got ready to go to church to help drown out all that negative thinking. As I heard the lyrics of Hillsong that said,

 " I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, In awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrender all I am is yours,"

I just began to cry out to God asking Him help me surrender my worries to Him.

That Sunday Morning we arrived at church, I see my son, say hi and just am very quiet and short with him.  At our church every Sunday we have communion and I remember thinking how angry I was and how I didn't want to take communion. When the pastor presents communion he always give us a short time to self- reflect and during that time I could hear God faint but clear telling me; Sharon this is your chance to put your worries a side and Trust me. My thought was, really God he needs to know that I'm angry and this is not okay. God continued telling me, this is your chance to extend mercy to him and show him through forgiveness how much I love him. I thought to myself for a brief moment, Ughhh, seriously, I don't want to ; but quickly cast that thought down, turned around and told my son, Fredo, I'm aware of the inappropriate things that have been coming out of your mouth and I want you to know that I'm disappointed, hurt and very worried about you. He prostested for a quick second and put his head down in shame. I continued, "but I want you to know that I love you and no matter what you do I will always love you". With uncontrollable tears in my eyes I held him so tight and at that very moment wished I could protect him from the world. God lovingly told me, Sharon that's not your job, just love him. Out of all my children Fredo has always been the one that I've worried about the most. Lets quickly rewind to about 3 years ago.

While facing academic struggles with the same son, Fredo, God gave me Psalm 91 after walking out of a conference that would reveal that Fredo had an academic disability. I remember leaving that meeting thinking, Lord, why did he have to have my bad brains, why couldn't he not only look like his daddy but have his brains also (that was 3 years ago, I've accepted my brains hehehe). I felt like I failed as a mom because he was diagnosed with an academic disability that I felt he inherited from me (crazy how the devil wrap us up in our own negative thought and insecurities). That day I chose to hold God at his word and pray that Psalm over Fredo. Well, today Fredo is freshman in high school, is and honor roll student and has been since the year they diagnosed him with that academic disability.

So I asked myself this question, "what is the difference today from 3 years ago"? My answer, not much. You see today God has reminded me of that Psalm yet again. Today, like 3 years ago I choose to hold God at his word, and God promised me this in verses 14-16 of Psalm 91...

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Is God telling me that Fredo will never again make a bad decision, ummmm No, most likely not. But what God is reassuring me is that I can Trust HIM, GOD!!!! I can replace those thoughts with his word, with this amazing Psalm. His word clears my negative thoughts and I can be worry free, because I know that the creator of this entire universe, author of my life, my husbands life and of my children's lives holds us in the palm of his hand so I can have peace and simply rest!!! My choice? I choose  NOT to Worry!!

I said YES and God remembered

Have you had a moment where you can remember something so vividly yet you can't remember if it was a vision, a dream or if it really happened? There are many things about my childhood that I don't remember but there is one memory that has stuck with me and has never left.

It was roughly between the age of 11-14, for some reason the age of 11 always pops my head when I think of this memory. I was sitting in church (same church I attend now) and I was watching my Pastor at the time, she was preaching. Don't really know what she was preaching about but I remember seeing myself sitting towards the middle of the church, attentively paying attention to her and out of nowhere I hear a young girls voice, it was my voice. As I play close attention I hear myself utter these words, "Lord, when I grow up, I want to do what she does", with a smile on my face. I can honestly say that this memory didn't come to life until I became older.

With that said, lets fast forward a bit. I begin to get involved in the girls' choir and for a short season, at the age of 15 would stay over my pastors house. I remember how she would drill the word of God into my mind and the importance of always seeking God. Time passed and eventually at the age of 16 decided I wouldn't continue to go to church. I could honestly say I never turned to drugs, alcohol, smoking, or none of that. But I did turn to one thing, the one thing that as a little girl I always sought, LOVE and approval. 

I met the cutest guy at the age of 17, who is now my lovely hubby ;-) and sought to find in him what only God could give me, unconditional love. I became pregnant with our first daughter at the age of 18 and life just got tougher. We married at the age of 19 and by the age of 21 we had 2 beautiful girls. My husband and I at the time were young, he didn't know much about God, I did but chose to live a different lifestyle. When I had my first little girl I went into auto-mom mode, I became a mom from the moment I became pregnant with her. My husband at the time was still living La Vida Loca (like the song haha). One day I find out that my husband was cheating on me. Never had I felt such a feeling of desperation. With two little girls at home I did the unthinkable. I called him, while on the phone he told me he didn't love me, I was devastated. I went into the bathroom closed the door and told him that I had no reason to live, and took 4 sleeping pills that were in a bottle, which by the way  I never could remember where they came from because I didn't take sleeping pills. The only thing I can remember before I dosed off was my husband rushing into my bathroom yelling my name. When I woke up I was laying next to my 3 month old baby girl. Her tiny little face was on my face literally breathing life back into me. I woke up feeling like I was the most horrible mother in the world and vowed never to do such a thing. At this point you're probably wondering, did you come back to God? Ummm no. I didn't feel worthy enough to do so. Hub came back to me, we had our first baby boy a year after and things weren't getting any better between him and I. He cheated on me again and I had just about enough. Jennifer, who now is my best friend, invited me to a small gathering at a friend's house. My intention was never to go, and that's just what I told her but God' s plans were different. You see I said yes to God at the age of 11, and he never forgot my YES. On that day that my friend invited me to the gathering was the day I found out my husband cheated again and I remember beginning to feel that desperation rise up again. This time God orchestrated a different outcome. That day I would die, but not by suicide, I would die to self, I would die to my will. Well, I made it to the gathering and God was waiting for me. I felt encouraged by the different stories and my friend said, "I think we should pray". We got in a circle and God moved me to pray for the person next to me. You could probably guess what I was thinking. This can't be God, I haven't been to church, I don't seek him, I don't read my bible, you name it I thought it. Again, God never forgot the day I said YES to him. It was then that God took a hold of me, moved me to pray for the woman next to me, baptized me with the Holy Spirit, with speaking in tongues and I have been following him since that day, never turned back. Shortly after my husband was saved. Life of course hasn't been the easiest...... BUT GOD!!!

You see, I forgot I said YES to GOD, but HE never did and He held me to it and with love, He reminded me,  ²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3 :23-24